Study: Mourinho now beyond parody

A global study of newspapers, blogs and satirical publications has confirmed the worst fears of colour writers, parodists and smart alecs worldwide: Jose Mourinho can no longer be effectively satirised. The findings of the study, conducted by Helder Gomes Silva, professor of abnormal psychology at the University of Porto, make for disturbing reading. “Mourinho has moved into the realm of genuine derangement, where an increasingly absurd and unpredictable perception of one’s surroundings comes to characterise the thoughts of the deranged. This renders him beyond parody. No longer can any words issuing from a satirist’s pen compete with the intricately delusional utterances of my countryman. Indeed, we now harbour genuine concerns for Mourinho’s general mental wellbeing,” said Prof. Gomes Silva.

The professor continued: “Jose Mourinho mentally inhabits a fantastical world in which the privileged are the oppressed, the cheaters are the cheated and John Terry does not belong in jail. Therefore, there is no telling what irrational viewpoint he will propound next. He is beyond burlesque, past parody and he supersedes satire. Do you like my alliteration, by the way?”

Responding to the study, Jose Mourinho said: “Who is behind this new anti-Chelsea propaganda? It’s Graham Poll, isn’t it? No, wait, Wenger? Uefa perhaps? No, I have it; it’s William Gallas, right? Remind me to have him killed some time.”

Satirist Ralph Raillery was distraught at the findings of Professor Gomes Silva’s report. “Mourinho was a satirist’s dream. He had hubris, paranoia, regularly made utterly outlandish pronouncements: all the good stuff. I don’t know what Premiership figures I’ll write about now. There’s always Robbie Savage, I suppose. And Neil Warnock, for another few months at least.”

Another angry satirist and Manchester United supporter, who did not wish to be named, said: “Fucking Mourinho. If he’s not winning the league for Chelsea, he’s rendering himself unsatirisable. Fucker.”