Some reheated, slightly stale satire:


HOME: Irish Ferries to reconstitute itself as pirate galleons

Irish Ferries management have revealed the true reason behind the company’s recent dispute with its workers: a series of reform measures which would have seen the firm reconstitute itself as a fleet of pirate galleons. As part of these reforms the company would have reserved the right to achieve shareholders’ dividend targets through the plundering of other vessels on the high seas.

“Arr”, commented Irish Ferries board member, Dick Bluebeard (formerly Richard Murphy), “there be nothin’ wrong with a spot of plunderin’ earlye in the mornin’. I’ll warrant ye this: we’d only shoot ‘em if we met with hearty resistance, to be sure.” Resplendent in a Versace eye patch, Armani greatcoat and custom-made tricorn hat by Philip Treacy, Mr Bluebeard denied union claims about new disciplinary procedures for workers proposed by the company. “There be no truth to the rumour we’d make ‘em walk the plank if they were late for duty once. That’d be monstrous, to be sure. No, they’d get to be late twice before walkin’ the plank to their watery grave.”

Other piratical reform measures mooted by management included ‘reflagging’ Irish Ferries vessels under the traditional pirates’ banner of white skull and crossbones on a black background and the refurbishment of all ships to the specifications of the seafaring craft of the seventeenth century. They also planned to pay new recruits at the rate of 3 and a half doubloons an hour. Rejecting claims that these wages were exploitative, being paid in a currency that has been out of use for several hundred years, Mr Bluebeard said: “Arr, it be coin enough to keep ‘em in grog and wenches.”

He further refuted claims that the company had planned to adopt a sea shanty version of Chris de Burgh’s ‘Don’t Pay the Ferryman’ as its anthem. “Hogwash, that is; there be nothin’ at all wrong with the original version.”

Mr Bluebeard was accompanied by Irish Ferries’ newly appointed human resources officer, Polly, who perched on his shoulder throughout the press conference. The macaw middle manager periodically squawked phrases such as “competitive forces beyond our control” and “rationalisation is the key to survival.”

Mr Bluebeard became visibly angry when asked about the legality of the proposed reforms. Fingering the handle of his cutlass, he said: “Avast now, ye lefty landlubbers or I’ll cut ye into little pieces and feed ye to the fishes.” There were no more questions.

Seán Kenny