Yesterday, I wrote this. I submitted it for publication in a satirical magazine to which I have been contributing for 18 months or so.

Celebrity Big Brother in Ratism Row (The Indefinite Article)

Channel 4 has accused BBC, ITV and Sky of ratism in their coverage of the Celebrity Big Brother controversy. A Channel 4 statement read: “Other networks have displayed flagrantly ratist tendencies by targeting Celebrity Big Brother. We cannot all have the same ratings, and we should learn to appreciate each other’s differences in ratings. This means accepting diversity in ratings and fostering an environment of inter-network tolerance where Celebrity Big Brother and I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here can peacefully co-exist as part of the rich tapestry of reality television that exists in modern Britain. We would never stoop so low as to point out Celebrity Big Brother’s ratial superiority to ITV’s Celebrity Love Island. Ratial harmony is what all networks should be striving for.”

Shilpa Shetty, the Indian actress who was victim of the ratist coverage, has expressed her dismay and outrage. “ I had no idea a well-respected format like Big Brother could be responsible for such sensationalist, lowbrow television. Truly, nothing could pay you for tolerating such ambiguously offensive comments. Not my fee for appearing on the programme, not my potentially lucrative spin-off contracts, not my massively increased profile, nothing. I have decided to throw myself into work as a form of catharsis. I hope that some healing may come through tabloid interviews. For a six-figure fee.”

Speaking through an interpreter, Jade Goody, the contestant at the centre of the allegations, said: “I ain’t no racist, but I just think that Englishers is the bestest race, that’s all. That ain’t racist, it’s just patriotistic, innit. Facking Pakis.”
Ends

This article will not be published. Instead, another piece on the same subject written by someone other than myself, will be used. Here it is.

Jade Goody: Not a Racist (The Definite Article)

The latest series of Big Brother is the most controversial yet. But this time, the record number of complaints and the yards of newspaper column inches are dedicated not to Orla’s notorious clothes allergy, Nasty Nick’s subterfuge or the unsightly vision of an MP pretending to be a cat. No, the more uneducated, attention-starved inhabitants of the Big Brother house are being accused of racism, with the irrepressible and outspoken Jade Goody bearing the brunt of the disparagement.

A wave of schadenfreude is sweeping Ireland and the UK as former darling of the public, Jade Goody has fallen out of favour with her adoring masses. But is she really a bigot? The Spanner talked exclusively to friends and family of the falling star.

Celebrity friends Ron Atkinson and Cheryl Tweedy took time off from watching their favourite DVDs Zulu and Roots (respectively) to offer their support. “She’s a nice lass”, claims Atkinson, “though she might have blackened her name in the Big Brother house”. Tweedy added that racism was wrong “most of the time”, though her eyes narrowed when someone asked how she would react if she was offered Jade’s perfume in a nightclub toilet.

An ex-boyfriend of Jade’s has also spoken out; “She’s a nice girl and not a racist” claims Billy Hitler. When our reporter asked if the young Mr. Hitler was any relation to the fascist dictator, he said no, and that he “just likes the name.”
“Jade is not racist”, according to her friend Johnny Smith, a prominent member of the National Front among other organisations, “I know how she feels; you make a few racist comments in jest, incite hatred on national TV and address an Indian person as ‘popadom’ and all of a sudden people think you’re racist. It’s the Politically Correct Police at it again. I hate the PC Police…and the actual police, come to think of it.”
“That Indian bird should smoke a bloody peace pipe!” opines Jade’s mother, “Jade is a good girl, and her friends are a good ethnic mix, not all white South Londoners…she has an ex-boyfriend from Sheffield! She’s a little outspoken and says things as she sees ‘em, and I for one do not want to live in a country where you can’t say what you want, do what you want and scream racial slurs at whoever you want.”

Ends

I will not make any grand claims for what I wrote. It's a trivial piece of ephemera which I knocked out in 20 minutes. I would imagine the other article was written in a similar time (well, I certainly hope it wasn't laboured over). But, as flagrantly biased as I am, I know which I think is better.

Incidentally, and I'm sure this has nothing at all to do with it, you understand, the other article was composed by the editor of the publication in question.

The Spanner (whoops!let it slip), for which I have written maybe 20 articles despite receiving no payment, has lost itself a contributor. Like they give a shit.

My mood in this regard has not been helped by the fact that I had another article - in which I had invested considerably more time and effort - rejected by an editor, whose judgement I actually respect, the previous day.

I apologise for wasting this much of your time with my self-piteous drivel. Sometimes you just can't beat a good bitching session.