Technology frightens me. This may stem from being exposed to ‘Transformers’ cartoons at a crucial stage in my childhood development. I spent a good portion of my formative years fearfully wondering if commonplace household items such as bread bins and table lamps were, in fact, (cue vocoder voice) ‘robots in disguise’.

The inner workings of my mobile phone’s predictive text function are a mystery to me. Not the good kind of mystery, mind.

Every time I want to send a message like this…

Do you fancy going for a pint?

…the text predictor first suggests the word shot and then the word riot. As I understand it (or at least wish to, for the purposes of the joke I’m about to make), this suggests these words are more commonly used than the options which appear later (ie. the word pint).

Now, which of these sentences is the average beer-drinking phone-owner more likely to be composing:

1. Do you fancy meeting at 8 for a riot? / Do you fancy meeting at 8 for a pint?
2. Wanna get shot this evening?/ Wanna get pint this evening?
3. How about a few shots of the black stuff? / How about a few pints of the black stuff?

Assuming you are not…

1. A baseball-bat wielding anarchist planning a fun-filled evening of civil disorder
2. A pathological masochist
3. Some kind of pixie-type creature who consumes beer from shot glasses

…it’s safe to say the word you’re seeking is pint.

Sad to say, some technician in some Nokia factory somewhere clearly has very different priorities to the Irish beer-drinking phone-owner.

I’ll bet you’re damn glad you read this. Aren’t you?