Recently, I embarked on a project which involved writing sarcastic letters to famous people. Marginally more recently, I abandoned the project.
Here is a letter I wrote to human profanity machine, Gordon Ramsay.

Dear Gordon Ramsay,

I do not know this for sure, but I would guess that your television appearances have elicited more than a few letters of complaint regarding your language. I refer, Mr Ramsay, to your frequent employment of terms such as ‘fuck’, ‘fucking’, ‘fucker’, ‘fuckwit’, ‘fucked’, ‘fucked up’ and ‘for fuck’s sake’.

Fear not, I am no Mary Whitehouse. In fact, your ill-tempered badinage with the inept nincompoops who surround you in the kitchen in such shows as Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares and The F Word has never failed to bring a smile to my face. Truly, you are a master of the profane putdown.

On your recent appearance on Friday Night with Jonathan Ross, you, not once, not twice, but thrice referred to that show’s irreverent host as a ‘fucker’. Bravo, Mr Ramsay; that put the cheeky rapscallion in his place! On a marginally less recent appearance on The Late Late Show you insulted its host, Pat Kenny. Speaking for the Irish nation, I thank you sincerely for this.

I hope I have made plain my admiration for your colourful language and devil-may-care attitude to the linguistic conventions of television. However, as alluded to earlier, I do have a complaint. It concerns the soundtrack of curse-induced bleeps that invariably accompanies your shows. At times, your programmes sound like Morse code. This is deeply irritating.

In this regard, I have a suggestion. Decreasing your reliance on the word ‘fuck’ and its variants and drawing on a broader palette of profanity would have a twofold beneficial effect. It would:

A) Reduce the frequency of the beeping sounds which pepper your shows
B) Allow you to verbally eviscerate your incompetent kitchen helpers in a more stylish and synonymous fashion.

So, what do I mean by suggesting you expand your range of abusive language? Shakespeare, as I’m sure you know, was a master of insults: the Gordon Ramsay of the Tudor era, if you will. Here are a few examples of how some typical kitchen scenarios could be resolved in an insultingly Shakespearean, but non-beep-inducing, fashion.

Instead of: “I don’t believe it; what the fuck are you doing? Can’t you even chop carrots, you fucking idiot?” (two beeps)

Say: “Verily, I shudder. Canst thou not cleave a carrot? Thou ist a maladroit malt-worm!” (no beeps)

Instead of: “You’ve overdone the fucking salmon, you fuckwit.” (two beeps)

Say: “Accursed vessel of calamity! Thou hast spoiled the salmon.” (no beeps)

Instead of: “You’re going to put me out of fucking business, you fucking incompetent spineless fucker.” (three beeps)

Say: Thou ist a lumbering lemon-brained canker-blossom and thou hast wreaked devastation on mine house.” (no beeps)

In an emergency, you could actually quote the Bard, rather than merely devising insults in his style. If, I don’t know, say, a chef incorrectly cuts a Japanese blowfish, you could roll out this little beauty: “Methinkst thou art a general offence and every man should beat thee.” (All’s Well That Ends Well)

I hope my modest suggestions may be of some use to you.

Keep up the good work.

All the fucking best,

Seán Kenny