Domestic violence
Recently, my girlfriend bought a house. Unlike me, she has a proper qualification and an actual paying job. The house is newly built. It was built by builders. This is because builders enjoy a monopoly in the whole house-construction area. As everyone knows, all builders are emissaries of Satan.

The house has the usual Mephistophelean quirks of newly constructed homes. The shower, into which I ventured for the first time last Saturday, is unusual. Following a tortuous, not to mention torturous, process of experimentation I established that the shower provides two water temperature options. These are:
1) Death by scalding
2) Death by freezing

The temperature dial serves a largely decorative purpose. I discovered that I have a marginally higher tolerance for the scalding option. Before withdrawing in defeat and in between flinching with pain from the sting of boiling water on flesh I managed to rinse all bar a considerable wad of shampoo from the left-hand side of my head. This shampoo supposedly serves to prevent dandruff. I don't know, but I'm guessing congealing residues of the stuff may have the opposite effect.

I dried myself with a towel which, like the house, is new. A soft, fluffy thing, it decided to attach significant portions of itself to my face. Since I was unshaven it adhered to my jawline all the more eagerly. Gloop-haired and fluff-faced, I had effectively been tarred and feathered by a confederacy of hostile household objects.