Smartarses

Especially this guy

Some reheated, slightly stale satire:


HOME: Irish Ferries to reconstitute itself as pirate galleons

Irish Ferries management have revealed the true reason behind the company’s recent dispute with its workers: a series of reform measures which would have seen the firm reconstitute itself as a fleet of pirate galleons. As part of these reforms the company would have reserved the right to achieve shareholders’ dividend targets through the plundering of other vessels on the high seas.

“Arr”, commented Irish Ferries board member, Dick Bluebeard (formerly Richard Murphy), “there be nothin’ wrong with a spot of plunderin’ earlye in the mornin’. I’ll warrant ye this: we’d only shoot ‘em if we met with hearty resistance, to be sure.” Resplendent in a Versace eye patch, Armani greatcoat and custom-made tricorn hat by Philip Treacy, Mr Bluebeard denied union claims about new disciplinary procedures for workers proposed by the company. “There be no truth to the rumour we’d make ‘em walk the plank if they were late for duty once. That’d be monstrous, to be sure. No, they’d get to be late twice before walkin’ the plank to their watery grave.”

Other piratical reform measures mooted by management included ‘reflagging’ Irish Ferries vessels under the traditional pirates’ banner of white skull and crossbones on a black background and the refurbishment of all ships to the specifications of the seafaring craft of the seventeenth century. They also planned to pay new recruits at the rate of 3 and a half doubloons an hour. Rejecting claims that these wages were exploitative, being paid in a currency that has been out of use for several hundred years, Mr Bluebeard said: “Arr, it be coin enough to keep ‘em in grog and wenches.”

He further refuted claims that the company had planned to adopt a sea shanty version of Chris de Burgh’s ‘Don’t Pay the Ferryman’ as its anthem. “Hogwash, that is; there be nothin’ at all wrong with the original version.”

Mr Bluebeard was accompanied by Irish Ferries’ newly appointed human resources officer, Polly, who perched on his shoulder throughout the press conference. The macaw middle manager periodically squawked phrases such as “competitive forces beyond our control” and “rationalisation is the key to survival.”

Mr Bluebeard became visibly angry when asked about the legality of the proposed reforms. Fingering the handle of his cutlass, he said: “Avast now, ye lefty landlubbers or I’ll cut ye into little pieces and feed ye to the fishes.” There were no more questions.

Seán Kenny

We'll huff and we'll puff and we'll smoke the house down

Last night on Sky News: 2 English MPs , a Liberal Democrat and a Tory, debated the smoking ban that is to be introduced in English and Welsh pubs, restaurants and workplaces. From the vantage point of Ireland's near 2 year old ban, the debate was amusingly blinkered. The Lib Dem guy (whose name sounds very like ' Lemon Optical'), claiming to be a 'libertarian', denounced the ban as a gross infringement of (smokers') civil liberties. How dare the 'nanny state' (what a hoary old cliche that's become already) curtail the right of smokers to exhale foul pollutants into the lungs, hair, clothes, food and drinks of those who happen to be in the vicinity of their vile habit. Libertarianism, the last time I checked, favours minimal state regulation of citizens' lives provided their actions do not infringe others' basic rights. Smoking so flagrantly infringes non-smokers' rights in this regard the argument isn't worth repeating. The only reason smoking in public spaces was not proscribed by law until relatively recently is that it was the staus quo, the accepted orthodoxy, however unenlightened.

The degree to which the ban has been accepted by the great majority of smokers in Ireland is truly remarkable, given the resistance it faced from this quarter before its introduction. Most reasonable smokers now accept that the ban is just. Those who still oppose it like to spout Bill Hicks style rhetoric about how their rights have been infringed. Hicks died of cancer aged 32. The arrogance of the British anti-ban lobby has been thrown into sharp relief by the, I repeat, astonishing success of the ban in Ireland (or its towns and cities, at least, I have no doubt smoking continues in many rural pubs).

Put that in your pipe and smoke it (outdoors, you foul creature).

Westmoreland St, 12.34 a.m:

Man approaches taxi, having narrowly missed nitelink. Man tentatively opens taxi door, aware of the potential pandora's box of irrational and vehemently expressed opinion he may be unleashing. Man enters taxi, stating his destination.

Driver: So are you in work tomorrow?
Passenger: (relieved at ostensibly innocuous nature of driver's opening gambit) No, day off. I'm in college.
Driver: What are ye studyin'?
Passenger: (becoming aware of potential difficulties ahead, considers lying but then blurts out truth):Eh...journalism.
Driver: Aw Jaysus, you're not serious? Sure, they just tell lies, that lot.
Passenger: (sighing inwardly) Well, some of them do. A lot don't.
Driver: Ah now, bud, I don't know about that. What you lot should be doin' is exposin' corruption in the guards.
Passenger: Em, I think there was a story about that fairly recently. In Donegal...
Driver: The tip of the iceberg, bud. Those boys are up to their necks in it. It's all covered up.
Passenger: Well, there are a lot of cover-ups, I'm sure.
Driver: It's a conspiracy, that's why.
Passenger: (becoming alarmed, checks to see if doors are locked) Really?
Driver: When people go to court, right, they have to swear on the bible. I was in court meself last week. Only as a witness, of course. So you swear on the bible. In the Book of Revelations it says the number of the beast is 666, right?
Passenger: (visibly frightened, gives serious consideration to fleeing the vehicle at next traffic lights) Yes, I've heard that.
Driver: And the guards, right, they're in court givin' evidence. What are the first three digits of Dublin cop shops' phone numbers?(pregnant pause) That's right, bud: 666. Now why is that?
Passenger: Hmm, eh...So you're basically saying the Dublin Gardaí are engaged in some kind of satanic conspiracy and that their phone numbers are a manifestation of this?
Driver: Absofuckinlutely, bud. Now, there's a story for you.
Passenger: Hmm, well, I'll certainly keep it in mind.

Shop sign in Stoneybatter:

Noels' Grocery

How many of them are there?